Top 5 Regrets of the Dying
Yesterday N.A.C. finished and we also attended the funeral for Cheryl Barton. It was one of the most beautiful memorial services I've ever been to in my life. All of the Johnson-Barton family write well and speak well, so their sharing was deeply moving and memorable. She lived a very full life--over half of it spent on the mission-field. I saw this online a few days ago and found it meaningful. It's about the "Regrets of the Dying" and it is written by someone who worked with people in their final moments--palliative care. Read on:
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People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
Cheryl
This past Sunday we received the news that our colleague Cheryl Barton--missionary to Japan for 30 years--lost her battle to cancer. She was very young. She battled cancer bravely and put up an amazing fight against an aggressive cancer. She was surrounded by her family who came in as far from China and Guam to be there in those final hours. Cheryl and her husband Bernie are veteran missionaries and always very encouraging of us. Bernie is an outstanding guy who deeply loved his wife and was by her side faithfully through it all. They oversaw the Church of God School in Tokyo, Japan which is one of the most amazing schools in all of Tokyo.
We will miss her greatly and it was an honor to serve alongside them in Asia.
North American Convention
Hello from Indiana. I got back from a lovely few days in D.C. and had some meetings here. On Thursday night, Jamie and Marco arrived from Germany. Despite all the travel I've done this past year, I don't think I've been separated from them for this many days in a long time--it was 11 days. Now we will be together all the way through mid-August when I go to Spain without them. We will be in Phoenix, California, and Costa Rica. I'm looking forward to all of it. It's been great to see our newest teammates Ken and Keli Oldham. They are here for the North American Convention and it was great to finally have some face to face time. They will be commissioned on Monday night as Pastors to the Middle East and 3W team members. Ken and Keli bring all the qualities that we are looking for at Three Worlds. They get the new paradigm, they get the three worlds, they are committed to mentoring the next generation, and they have a proven track record. We already have missionaries out there that have been impacted and influenced by Ken and Keli. They are still looking for financial support so keep them in mind.
It was also great to see Aaron and Nicole arrive from Berlin. Kelley is arriving tonight.
North American Convention is always a packed time of year. There's lots of official meetings and informal meetings. It's the informal meetings that often yield the greatest benefits.
It's been great seeing lots of our friends. Our dear friends Jen and her two year old husband Randy got us the new "Arcade Fire" CD and I've been listening to that as I drive around. Very catchy. Thanks guys.
Well, it's been a long day so I better go die now.
Washington DC
Hello. In Washington D.C. this weekend visiting some of our 3W partners and sharing about our exciting vision for the future. My goodness, I just love Washington D.C. It's gorgeous. The weather has been pretty awesome too. Kind of humid, but not in a really uncomfortable way. Four of five wealthiest counties in the USA are now in Suburban D.C. I'm in one of them---Fairfax. The neighborhoods are beautiful. Another thing I like is that D.C. has become an extremely multi-cultural city. You see people from everywhere here. Jamie and Marco are leaving Germany at the end of the week and will be here in time for the North American Convention, which for us begins Saturday.
You would not believe how much fattening American food I am turning down. I haven't even had Coke in more than 2 weeks. I want applause for this. I want credit for this. Appreciate me! It's hard to drive past Popeye's Chicken and not order those fries and a spicy chicken sandwich. It's torture not going to Fazoli's to load up on bread sticks. It's complete and utter pain to not order up a medium cheese pizza at Pizza Hut! And I have not caved-in! Appreciate it!! Love me!!!
America. You are a saucy temptress.
Funny Marco Quote
Nudity is not that big of a deal in Western Europe (or in Russia). Living in Europe means that the local park may have nude people sunbathing or that pornography is more visible than it would be in the USA. And then there are the many statues that are nude.
Jamie told me that in our little town square, there is a naked statue of a woman. I never noticed (really I didn't)! Neither had Jamie, but she was out walking with Marco and went to take a look at it close-up while Marco was distracted climbing a tree.
Once she saw it, she just casually walked back over toward where Marco was climbing the tree.
Marco looked at her knowingly and said: "Not very pleasant is it?"
Holland and Belgium--and now USA.
Last weekend, our family took the train to Holland to visit the Church of God congregations in Holland as well as a new house church in Belgium. We also have a new Congolese Church of God meeting in Holland and it was a great joy to meet the pastor, his wife, and some of the young people. We first visited the Holland folks back in 2005 or so where I joined S. Rennick in speaking at the Holland conference in Petten (on the North East Coast of Holland). We got very attached to the folks there. There are a lot of people our age, and now there is a group of 20 somethings emerging as well that are ready for leadership. In fact, it is looking like Holland could be a Church of God area primarily led by young people. They're all sharp, super-intelligent, multi-lingual and lots of fun. It was so great to get back there.
I spoke twice: once about the need to utilize young people and a second time about "what to do when the church hurts you." Not a topic preached about much, but it should be because it's a common problem.
I was surprised at the turn-out at the youth event. I was seriously expecting three people because Holland was playing Brazil on TV at the same time I was speaking.
We had a lot of time to listen to Pastor Adriaan and his dreams of the future. We enjoyed staying with them and being with his wife Uschi. His wife is struggling with a very painful, difficult illness that the doctors don't know how to treat. We are all very worried about her and need to pray for her. It's a miracle that she can withstand the extreme pain. I feel frustrated that we are so far away. It's about 5 hours from Berlin so we can't come and go that easily. I hope to get back there relatively soon.
On Saturday, Pastor Adriaan took us to a renaissance fair in the morning. There we saw our first ever live-action jousting match. Very cool and totally unexpected. They thought it would be fun for Marco and it was.
That afternoon we drove to Belgium and met with the leaders of a new house church there, as well as the leader of the new Congolese church in Belgium. We heard all about how difficult it is in Belgium for protestant groups. Belgium is primarily catholic and Evangelicalism is viewed as a strange cult--as it is in much of Europe. But this small group of people aren't being deterred. They are even planning a very large event coming up July 1st. The leaders are about 35-40 years of age.
The Congolese church is also a real exciting development as this probably means that Holland will develop a connection to the Congo. It's also exciting because we see Three Worlds in action with the Post-Christendom church working alongside the non-Western Church. So needless to say, I was a very happy camper.
And we met very young leaders who are ready to assume higher levels of leadership. This was also great. We began to get a clear picture of how Three Worlds can help the churches in Holland and Belgium as they go forward and connect.
Back when we first met the folks in Holland and we were so charmed, it never occurred to me that one day we would get to work alongside of them. That's very cool.
Well, today I am off to the USA for our semi-annual Regional Coordinator meetings. This one is in Anderson. Then it's off to Washington D.C. to visit one of our supporting churches, and then back to Anderson for the annual North American Convention (almost all of our 3W team will be there), and then we visit churches in Arizona and California. So that's what's coming up in the next four weeks. I'll see you from the good ol' US of A. Keep that humidity in check USA. I want to enjoy the summer.
Keep Uschi in your prayers.
Photos from Holland
Photo 1: Straddling the border. One the left side of the street is Germany. On the right side is Holland.
Photo 2: A real life jousting match. "I remember my first joust. It looks far worse than it feels." (from the movie Excalibur).
Photo 3: Marco eating a stick outside of a castle Pastor Adriaan took us to in Holland. The stick tastes like licorice..kind of.
Photo 4: Smart cars are very small, but popular in Europe. I've seen one that was half this size.
Photo 5: Singers from the new Congolese Church of God in Holland. Very exciting!
Connecting Europe: Peter Wins!
This trip to Bulgaria served a number of purposes. Usually at Three Worlds, we like to do things that have multiple purposes or multiple levels of meaning. In this case, we were trying to do the following things: 1) Have our first 3W Seminar in partnership and learning from an outside organization with expertise we don't have.
2) Help a Church of God congregation in Budapest, Hungary connect to a mission-field (Bulgaria). They purchased a projector for the church in Sofia.
3) Begin connecting key leaders (Bridges) millennials /Gen Xers to link from the traditional church to the Post-Christendom church. Bridging generational gaps and investing in the next generation is what we are all about.
4) Connecting Pastor Peter (of Hungary) to Dave and Kathy, as well as Nathan "Batman."
Peter is 26 years old and is the pastor of a young, growing church in Budapest. I have not been there yet, but I am anxious to go as soon as the schedule allows. Peter will be one of our featured Emerging Leaders in the future.
You will be hearing a lot about Peter in the future as he is a very promising young leader whose church is showing all the right signs of health. We will be entering into a mentoring relationship with him as he takes his place as a strategic leader.
I don't call Peter, "Peter." Sometimes we call him "Peti" but usually I just refer to him as "Hungarian Rob Bell." Look at the pictures below. He even wears black all the time. I guess it's just a coincidence. It doesn't mean that he is theologically where Rob Bell is at though so don't get out your harpoons please.
He was accompanied by another young emerging leader "Zoltan" which sounds like a good alien villain name. I actually changed his name to "Zoloft" because he has a calming effect on everyone everywhere he goes. He is an A+ person and was awesome at connecting with the Bulgarians. A perfect partner for a mission trip.
Unfortunately, when "Hungarian Rob Bell" and I get together, our maturity level drops to the level of a 5 year old. So it was important to have Zoloft around. And we also had Nathan Batman of County Line who alternates between being Zoloft like and Hungarian Rob Bell-like.
So much of what we are doing here at Three Worlds is foundational work--building a platform for the future. But it all begins with relationships.
Great Quote about Bad Christian Art
As per our discussion in our most recent Gateway Berlin episode about bad Christian art, here's a great quote: "I’m convinced that bad art derives, like bad literary theory, from bad theology. To know God falsely is to write and paint and sculpt and cook and dance Him falsely. Perhaps it’s not poor artistic skill that yields bad Christian art, in other words, but poor Christianity."
-Tony Woodlief