I posted a comment about an incident involving porn over on my personal Facebook page. I did it because I thought it was important to share, so I am posting it over here at the 3W Diary as well. Feel free to "friends" me over at Facebook: Patrick Nachtigall
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(From my Facebook page)
Well, it happened. A 10-year old friend of Marco tried to show him pornography when they were having a play-date. Marco has never seen porn before, but we had told him about pictures of girls on the internet that should not be seen. So he said to his friend he wasn't interested and told him to stop. He went to the other side of his room, but his friend just thought it was funny and kept trying to find images. Fortunately, his friend couldn't get the images to come up on the screen. Marco came home and immediately reported it to us. We knew that the average age for children today to be exposed to porn for the first time is 10, so that's why we had told him some basics. But now it was time to have THE porn-talk, which I've been dreading.
While it's natural for boys and girls to be curious about sex, today's internet pornography is extremely dangerous--particularly for children who have not reached a sexual age and for teenagers. The abundance of images now available in private is dangerous to the brain. That's not religious, puritanical talk. It's science (and the TED talk below goes into details).
Marco and I had a special father-son talk. I wanted him to understand a little bit about addiction and the dangers of being exposed to internet porn. I wanted to talk about the re-wiring issues (dopamine/brain malleability issues) that scientists are identifying, so I used a computer cord as an example. I showed him a plug on the wall with two sockets and said that one was a normal plug that was good. It's natural to be curious, sexuality is human, and puberty is a fact of life etc. But what internet porn can do to children, or teens (or anyone) is plug the cord into the wrong socket and it can be extremely addictive and difficult to fix. Maybe that sounds silly, but Marco and I have already talked about drug addiction and alcoholism (and watched episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter to emphasize the point), so he's familiar with that concept and the plug was a visual tool to solidify it. (I don't know what I'm doing here folks!!! Just a first-time parent with one child in a world of triple X porn available on cell phones!!).
Of course we also talked about the moral/spiritual problems and how inappropriate it is to objectify women. But, I wondered if there was a video that would explain the science in a way he would understand--since Marco likes science. I found this TED talk which is excellent and I recommend everyone watch it. So many of my Facebook Friends have children between the ages of 5 and 15, and they are growing up in a world of excessive sexual iopportunities that no generation of humans has ever had to deal with. Is it normal? No. Is the human body wired for this kind of excessive sexual imagery? No. Should this issue be taken seriously be parents of children that are under the age of 10? Absolutely. So I'm posting this to help others.
I don't have the answers. I'm humbled by all of this. Maybe I've already gotten some things wrong. I'm just trying to navigate this new world as a parent. I'm not interested in preaching fear and condemnation to my son. I want him to alway feel free to share with his parents and to know that they will respect him and provide a safe place to process life's challenges. I want him to avoid these things, but also have compassion for people. Most of all, I love him and want him to know I'm here no matter what.
As for Marco's friend--it's not one of his close friends at all, but I'm worried about this kid. It's not about being judgmental or acting self-righteous. As the video shows, it's a mental health issue. I know I have friends on Facebook from all 6 continents, different faiths, atheists, agnostics, different world-views, cultures, and such. I respect that. You know I do. But I really worry about our teenagers and children, and some of the biggest problem areas are in countries and communities where you wouldn't expect it. Feel free to post comments, criticisms, suggestions, or experiences you have had talking with your kids. Just be respectful of others in your comments. We're all trying to make our way through this complicated thing called life; imperfectly, but sincerely.
PS--I'm not really comfortable talking about this on Facebook (or anywhere), but maybe it will help some people out there. And maybe the video can be a helpful teaching tool. Oh, and yes, I am proud of my Son.
Check out the Great Porn Experiment: Ted Talk.
PS--3W's Audrey Langford (Liverpool) adds this article--"This is your brain on porn:" http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/29332-this-is-your-brain-on-porn